abba-zaba, you're my only friend

I am just so fucking lost.  I just keep getting stuck in trances where all I can think about is how I never have really trusted Tri all that much in our relationship anyway, ever since the Nikki thing; only for a short while where I was blind, that’s all.  I should have fucking gone with my instincts.  I just feel so foolish, b/c I know he’s still gonna talk to them, and that he still has feelings for her, no matter what he says.  It’s just like it’s more of a challenge now, which makes the whole “game” seem much more appealing.  I so didn’t want to have to make him choose. 

 

I’m sick and tired of people using me as a practice dummy: they beat me so hard until I can’t feel, and then tell me how I have made them a much bigger person, and then they leave me and go on their merry little fucking way, and leave me to use everything that humbled them from my relationship, and go use all that information on someone else.  I’m tired of helping people live, see, be a good person, whatever the fuck it is, it’s not my job.  I am so done with trying. 

oh ya, happy new year

Xixi passed this morning at 5:18. mrow.

Xixi is dying, and has parvo & tapeworms, and is in a serious critical condition, so he's staying in the hospital for 3-7 days.

The vet told me parvo was extremely contagious to other younger doggies, so I should add ten parts water to 1 part bleach & spray it on the carpet anywhere he pooped to kill the bacteria. Now we have bleach-blonde spots on the carpet in our apartment. Wonderful, there goes our safety & pet deposits.

My best friend wrote me the most shocking letter in the world. I got it today. I am no longer 'healthy to her soul', so I'm out on the street. sweet.

p.s. don't put white jean skirts in a tub o' bleach b/c it will come out in shards of denim with nothingness in between. sad. that was a nice skirt.

how big I've gotten and why I let it stay this way. I keep telling them it's b/c I'm lazy, but that's a lie. it's b/c I'm afraid of looking good. when i look good, shit happens to me: people use me, lie to me, take me for granted, etc. But when I'm overweight, I know that the people around me are truly genuine. it takes away the guessing game of who in my life deserves to be there or not, plain and simple.

and yes, I know I can look good, but is looking good worth all the other shit that comes along with it?

I swallowed my tongue piercing four nights ago & it still hasn't "passed"... I'm pretty sure that's what the pain in my chest is ... I go in for an X-Ray tomorrow morning.

This morning, I woke up next to my baby boy and we made love. We lied there, snuggling, holding eachother in our arms; intertwined legs and nuzzled noses, we were falling deeper, and deeper. Already unclothed, lying there in all vulnerability, we proceded to the shower .. together this time. The two of us in a tiny glass shower, washing eachother's backs, kissing, loving; now that's what I call FUCKING TEAMWORK!!!! [sorry, Tenacious D line]

So now I am crying. Tim and I just keep fighting and I do not know what for. I just want my check SO FUCKING BADLY so I can get THE HELL out of here!!! I want to go home, where I belong, where I fit, where people support me; I want to go to San Francisco. I want to be out where the sun is shining, I want to have a purpose. I want to get better, I have been sick this whole time we've been fighting. I just want to run away. I am so trapped: TRAPPED BY ME, TRAPPED BY THIS TOWN, TRAPPED BY MY HEART ... trapped by my love, which I haven't felt as of late because all I have had time for is pain and heartache. We used to be so good, what happened to us? I was going to propose to you, now I am questioning whether or not to even stay in the 'relationship', if you can even call it that anymore ...

... what's going on with us? ...

i swear i talked to johnnie for EVER.. like 5 hrs.. it was quite intense, but isn't it always? there was a lot of crying, but all-in-all, I think it was the best that I have ever done at talking to him. I know that probably doesn't make sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to me. He told me he's still in love with me, surprise-surprise. EH, I'M DONE WRITING. HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.oops, caps was on ... deal.

Today I had an amazing day. I met with Resa today and it went so amazingly well! I found out that while I was in the hospital I was diagnosed with Severe Clinical Depression and Panic Disorder ... I didn't know I had that.

Tim picked me up from my appointment and we went to "Wiener" as he calls it. He is so adorable. I would say that the best way to describe him is as charming; he is so charming: in the way he looks, composes himself, watches after me. He has his life in order: he owns a house, car, cell phone, he's successful, has a good job and is great at it; he has been through so much to get to where he is now; he is a real-life MAN. He turns 27 on the 23rd of this month, December. He is the first real MAN that I have ever dated. It is so refreshing to be so attracted to a man such as himself that has his life on the right track, and worked his ass off to get there. And to boot, he is, hands down, the BEST kisser in the entire universe! His lips are luscious and supple. They are so soft and welcoming. I never want to let them go. I am so incredibly attracted to every little thing about him ... he does all the little things I have always longed for. He is STUNNING!


India Arie - The Truth Lyrics

Spoken : let me tell you why I love him

Chorus:
Cause he is the truth
Said he is so real
And I love the way that he makes me feel
And if I am a reflection of him then I must be fly cause
His light it shines so bright I wouldn't lie

I remember the very first day I saw him
I found myself immediately intrigued by him
It's almost like I knew this man from another life
Like back then maybe I was his husband maybe he was my wife
And even, the things I don't like about him are fine with me
Cause it's not hard for me to understand him cause he's so much like me
And it's truly my pleasure to share his company
And I know that it's god's gift to breathe
The air he breathes

Chorus:
Cause he's the truth
Said he is so real
And I love the way that he makes me feel
And if I am a reflection if him then I must be fly cause
His light it shines so bright I wouldn't lie (no)

How can the same man that makes me so mad
Do you know what he did-(spoken)
Turn right around and kiss me so soft
Girl so you know what he did-(spoken)
If he ever left me I wouldn't even be sad no
Cause there's a blessing in every lesson
And I'm glad that I knew him at all

Chrous:
Cause he is the truth
Said he is so real
And I love the way that he makes me feel
And if I am a reflection of him then I must be fly cause
His light it shines so bright

I love the way he speaks
I love the way he thinks
I love the way that he treats his mama
I love that gap in between his teeth
I love him in every way that a woman can love a man
From personal to universal but most of all
It's unconditional

You know what I'm taking about-(spoken)
That's the way I feel
And I always will-(spoken)

There ain't no substitute for the truth
Either it is or isn't
Cause he is the truth
You see the truth it needs no proof
Either it is or it isn't
Cause he is the truth
Now you know the truth by the way it feels
And if I am a reflection of him then I must be fly
Cause he is yes he is
I wonder does he know -echoes-

His name is Tri (aka: Tim), my Vietnamese co-worker ... he's 26, 27 on the 23rd of this month ... he has his own house .. he is gorgeous .. and what they say about Asian dick ... IS WRONG!!!!!!

He is my first Asian crush/boyfriend, and I am his first white crush/girlfriend.

Please know that I ALWAYS have good intentions, just oftentimes I have terrible follow-through. I have constantly been working on trying to be genuinely nice to my friends and those I care about, it's just hard for me to be as nice as I really am inside all the time because that's when people take advantage of me and hurt me. When people know how much I care, they see it as weakness and they take advantage of and use me. And then after they're done using me, they throw me to the side, broken and alone. I'm just at the point in my life where I am trying to find a happy medium between protecting myself and letting people know I care about them. It's just really scary for me to open up completely because then I'm vulnerable, and that is when I get hurt. I want you to know that I am really working on finding a balance, and I am asking you to please be patient with me in the meantime. And to gently remind me when I am being insentitive, or just a plain old jerk-face. Also, you can ALWAYS ask me what I mean by the things I say, or if I meant them or not. Just be honest with me; like I said, I will NEVER be mad at you if you are honest with me, no matter what you do. But if you lie, that's when I will be mad, or hurt, rather. Just because I never lie, ever, and it is really important to me for someone I care about to be honest with me too. Too many times I have been lied to and taken advantage of; if people were always just honest with me, I wouldn't end up opening myself up to pain and lies. If I am told the truth, then there is nothing to lose, because I have no feelings invested in it. Anyway, I guess I'm saying that my number one requirement for a friend is honesty. I know that upon honesty an amazing relationship can be built. With a strong foundation like that, there is nowhere else to go but up, which is the point of getting to know someone: progression in the relationship, which is made possible through honesty. Honesty is the gateway to everlasting relationships. Plain and simple. Anyway, that's me.
<3, Rox

NOVEMBER 28th
christopher and i had a falling out
lauren got into the culinary school she wants to go to in Portland, CONGRATULATIONS Lauren!!!
took the girls to see Premier, my new store
borrowed $100 from andrew
went to christopher's to retrieve flounder and make up
just lauren, jenny, and me
girls night out
chilis
champagne
crunch wraps
the ho/'rage
green
flounder
home
long intense talk with johnnie
sideways with lauren, my love
sleep

NOVEMBER 29th
back to my room
9:00am
lauren and i wake up jenny
the creek
flounder lets off some steam/smoke
back to the drawing board
drive lauren to amtrak
train is hella late
parfume and gap at the mall
home
class
home
talked to christopher a lot tonight
johnnie never called me back after the movie: surprise, surprise

i did em all... they do nothing for me, so i'm done

Studied w/ Jen in the sun, smoked a few bowls, went to Jen's, hung with Dillon, smoked some cigs, now I'm home.

School all day
Tim in-between classes
Had the best convo with Jalia in my life tonight

So, today Dillion and Jenny came over, we ate wraps, reviewed our scripts, went to Jenny's, reviewed scripts slightly more, then drank Popov and KoolAid. Went home at midnight.

So, apparently Johnnie called me at home tonight at 8:30 tonight, but I was out. Awww, what a shame, I missed his call. Go me! I really don't even want to talk, I just want my money, I'm so done with him!

You went home today. I hung out with you all day after I cleaned my mess of boxes in the living room. We chilled all day, and then you took me home and gave me a mad-wild tonguey kiss, I loved it!

I rode my bike to your house to go visit you, and you were all snuffly and super cute, snuggled in your blanket on the couch, watching Scarface.

Then I went out to Arroyo's with the fam b/c Robyn's leaving for SF tomorrow morning for a month.

Ate crab dinner at Nonnie's for Dad's & Mom's birthday dinner, then went to Chris' instead of Jackson.

Drank Bicardi Limon tonight with Chris and Robert. I kicked both of their asses in 13. smoked with mike. went to a bonfire. we kissed tonight, and then some... ;o)

Skipped class, Chris came & hung out with me & Jen, we went to the creek, then his house & saw Mercedes, fell in love, then back to school for Acting for the Camera where Harvey handed Jenny & me our scene for a week from today... good thing we ended up going to class, whew!